Gonnas: The ROYAL Bandwagon

I applied for jobs yesterday, sure. I laughed and cried my way through comedy Thursday as per usual… but I also stayed up all night to watch the royal wedding.
Pfff. Yeah, right. I DID stay up to watch it, but it was an accident. I’d planned to wake up and watch it, but I stayed up editing and next thing I knew, my clock read 8:30 and I’d just watched the shit out of CBS.
I didn’t watch the wedding because I have a huge case of princess syndrome, but because I felt like it would be a disservice to myself not to watch such a historical event. I also wanted to make as much fun of it as possible.
Though a bit of a departure from the gonnas, without further adieu, my own spin on Royal Wedding 2011:
5:27 a.m.
Look… I know this makes me shallow, and I’m not denying that for a second, but Prince William is really, really bald. I know he can’t help it, but it’s like he’s not even trying to hide it or fix it. At least pull a Bruce Willis, brother.
Princess syndrome is running rampant on the streets of London right now. You hear all those bitches scream when Princes William and Harry drove by? Thousands of panties dropping.
I know William is the “hot” one, but I think Harry is way, way hotter. The presence of hair is a plus, but it’s really the fact that he doesn’t give one fuck.
5:48 a.m.
It’s all fine when the hats are on, but when they come off…

Ohhh, how they come off. I like you, but I can’t stop staring at your head.
5:53 a.m.
^ Chicks getting laid tonight.

Chicks (and dudes) crying themselves to sleep tonight:

6:15 a.m.
Kate Middleton, looking glamorous in her Alexander McQueen. The entire Middleton family looks 10 times hotter than the royals (except Beatrice).
6:30 a.m.
Harry’s telling jokes. William just wants to laugh.
6:45 a.m.
I’m 99% sure William’s trying not to fall asleep right now.
7:17 a.m.
Yep, here it is. Right after this moment, he tries to fight off sleep. I bet the stag party got crazy. HE’S HUNGOVER! I like your style, Wills.
I made a few more comments about potential Star Wars scores being used and Rogaine, but I think that’s enough for today. Today I’m gonna try to do something more productive than make fun of two perfectly likeable English folk.


  1. Oh, she was DEFINITELY passed out. They panned over to her right after Wills almost fell asleep. Head completely against her chest with no attempt to even fake looking awake.

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