I Feel Fine

Disclaimer: this is a spastic entry.
The subject at hand makes me feel a little insane.
You’ve been warned.

I have been waiting DAYS to write this entry. It’s going to be my last one. I’m going to miss everyone so much, especially you, Donald Glover. I wish I had more time, but sadly, I don’t. After all, tomorrow is the end of the world (kind of) because Harold Camping said so! (He also said so in 1994 and when the day came and went, he said it was due to “bad math.” Dude, check it: you have a bad brain. It doesn’t function correctly. You are a moron.)

According to this Bible gig, none of us would know when the ever-feared Rapture would occur. I don’t know why someone who says the Bible is telling him the world is going to end wouldn’t know that. Did you miss out on an episode of “Reading Rainbow,” Harold? I bet “Hooked on Phonics” still works…

But hey, if you still believe it, get down with your bad self. I won’t ever see you again because I’m clearly not going anywhere. While you’re in the clouds, I’ll be stealing cool things from all of you people who floated into the sky and fighting the antichrist.

If this were the last day of civilization as we know it, I guess I would be sad I couldn’t finally take this blog project to a new level. Sure, I wouldn’t have to pay for the Internet anymore, but I’d go ahead and bet the Internet would be down in a matter of hours.

I’d want to be with my loved ones, laughing my ass off, eating so much I wanted to puke. I’d want to have Comedy Thursday on a continuous loop and John Mayer on my couch. I’d want to dance until the end of the world.

But wait! According to Camping, us left-behind folk would be around until October anyway. 5 MONTHS OF EVERYTHING I JUST SAID!?!?! Free shit? Party 24/7? Fighting the antichrist “Shaun of the Dead” style? Sign me up.

Hahahhaa, I’m sorry. This is so ridiculous. I can’t take it seriously. I just… I can’t believe the things that some religious sects spit out. I can’t believe that no one can take personal responsibility for anything. It’s always whatever the particular god at hand has done, never his followers. I can’t stress enough how much I think the destruction of Earth will be caused by us and only us, not some ominous Father Time lookalike in the sky.

If you’re still hanging on to this notion with every last breath of your body, I guess you want to know how I’ll really be spending today.

Well, today I’m gonna drive to Boone and probably do a little of nothing and everything. I’m gonna see “Bridesmaids” with S and A. I’m probably gonna be cold. I’m gonna see my roommate. I’m gonna go through withdrawal when I remember I don’t have cable. You know, real deep shit. It’s important to contemplate things like Kristin Wiig’s face during your last few hours on Earth.

Sidenote: the world can’t end before “The Hangover 2” comes out, “Parks and Rec” returns in the fall, and all of the following things:

I’m really sad that I didn’t beat Alex Day to all of these jokes… except the Harry Potter dig. Crossing the line, dude.

Sidenote sidenote: IT’S ALREADY MAY 21ST IN MANY COUNTRIES AND EVERYONE IS FINE.

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