Coming from someone who has a lot of experience with the F word, fear is truly the most dangerous entity in the world. I don’t really know if it can be classified as an emotion, maybe a feeling, but whatever it is, is perilous to life.
Most of my fears are physical: heights, flying, serial killers hiding in my house, bad health, elevators falling, house fires… you know, the lot of neuroses most people would claim as being one of their irrational phobias because we’re all scared of the same shit, deep down inside. These stem from places inside us, but we can touch the airplanes, the buildings, and the matches that could burn our house and memories to ash.
But the most detrimental fears are those that live solely in our heads, the things that fuel our physical fears but aren’t necessarily tangible to our fingertips: fear of failure, of loss, of being alone, of success, of love, of dying. The list goes on. I have most of these fears and they’re extremely deep-seated. (Being alone and love aren’t in my mental list. I’ve racked up a lot of solo time lately and I’ve been surviving. Oh, and love ain’t scary, ’cause I got it and it’s so, so delicious.)
The difference between my dreading these things and everyone else dreading them is that I let the fear take over. I let it impede the things I do. I let it dictate my life. I can’t travel to the dazzling places I dream of because I can’t hop on a plane. I can’t throw myself into my many ideas for the future because I’m terrified I’ll fail. I can’t not get winded climbing up the stairs of a 20-foot building because I just didn’t trust the shady, smelly elevator.
Fear is my Ike Turner, but enough is enough. I’m prepared to run penniless from our hotel and get the hell outta this shitty, abusive relationship I have with fear.
As you long-time readers have noticed, this blog has evolved to more of a personal one over the months. It is peppered with gonnas here and there, the kind of stuff that was the life-blood of this blog in its beginning days, but it is so much more now. It became what it should have – the continuation of The Gonna Girl’s life after she no longer had to get y’all, or herself, to publicly force her to do the things she said she would.
So here it is, evolving again. While I no longer need to note and then complete gonnas for groceries, cleaning, and job-hunting, I do need to complete gonnas pertaining to all of these fears blocking me from living a full life. I no longer need to record my every move every month because I am doing those things off camera, off blog. I do need to document me jumping over massive hurdles and conquering the things that scare me the most.
I’ll continue posting random stuff about my life, ranting in HB entries, and attempting to make everyone laugh with my writing, but the gonnas as you’ve known them will be gone. They will be more meaningful, more difficult to overcome. The gonnas might show up less often because they are so massive to overcome in my brain, but perhaps they will be easier to tackle than I could have ever possibly imagined.
Wish me luck!
P.S. If you haven’t read my past entry, it’s important to do so! It will benefit the needy in this holiday season. Feel free to pass it along 🙂 Love you all.