“Do I have to have a baby to quit everything I do, or can I just quit everything?”
– Chelsea Peretti
It’s not enough that have to put up with noisy children interrupting my meals out, my naps at home, and my personal space. I also have to endure countless social media updates regarding the status of sea monkey lookin’ fetuses and ever-growing belly photos. I don’t want you to post 8,000 photos of your baby’s face anymore than you want me to post 500 of my ass.
You baby-brains don’t realize it, but what you’re doing is actually rude. What if I don’t want to watch your descent into gestational diabetes or a mental breakdown? What if it makes me physically sick to read about your newest forays into breast feeding? It’s not that I don’t like you or the fact that you chose to procreate, but I don’t particularly care about the explicit details of the changes to your body or what’s in your child’s mouth/diaper.
I want your culturally created ideas of what life should be like to stay out of the way of my personally created ideas of how I want my life to be. I want you to stop shoving your religion of parenthood down my throat.
Cheers to the comrades like me who really just want to live their life without dripping diapers, shrill screams, and constant mess. This one’s for the people who understand that it’s completely normal and sane not to want kids.
The “Scared of Babies” Badge.
Oh hey girl. Guess what! You’ve reached the point in your life where all of your friends decided to start growing humans of their very own. And this is exciting! Babies are nice, in theory. And you want one. You know, at some point. They have this unique baby smell. And their socks are so tiny. Their eyelashes! Have you seen those eyelashes? Who knew you could have so many FEELINGS about another being’s eyelashes.
But as each pregnancy announcement flashes across your tumblr dashboard, a sense of dread creeps inside you. You can barely take care of your own self and occasionally you forget to feed your cat. How is it possible that your friends are taking care of little humans! And they had to give up wine! Who can give up wine? Coffee? No coffee? and no soft cheese? WHY IS THIS BABY TAKING AWAY ALL OF LIFE’S HAPPINESSES?!?
And what was that? Your friend is going into labor RIGHT NOW? And your other friend just mentioned that she had third degree tears when she pushed out her child? And there was a bar (not the good kind of bar) involved? Um, yeah, that is totally normal that your own lady parts start to hurt. And your boyfriend should understand your desire for him to KEEP THAT BABY-MAKING STICK AWAY FROM YOU for a few days. And if you need to go into the ladies’ room to take a pregnancy test JUST IN CASE, don’t worry, we won’t judge.
Grab this badge for remaining externally thrilled to bits that everyone around you is procreating and internally terrified that it is possible for someone to grow another person’s eyeballs. (image via)