Here in the south, we’ve been blessed with yet another snow day. I’d be happy for the day off if we didn’t have to take the loss on the first day of spring break, a day I desperately need since my current lease is up at the end of March, and for the first time, I’ll be living 100% alone.
Not mostly alone because my roommates ducked out of the lease months early or were never home anyway. Not mostly alone because I was broke or single, and everyone else had money or a man to go out with. No, not this time. This time I will be completely, totally, absolutely alone.
And you know what? For the first time in a long time, that thought brings me a sense of balance and comfort. I used to fear I’d die alone by choking on a ham sandwich, but now I realize I could choke on a ham sandwich anywhere with anyone, so it might as well be in the comfort of my very own room. After all, as Virginia Woolf said, a woman needs a room of one’s own………. as I’m sure a multitude of lady bloggers have also said thousands of times by now. Still, it holds true; we need a place to call our own. I need a place to be my own.
I need a place to feel safe, to feel loved, and to feel in control. Even if that love and safety comes in the size of a furry li’l beast, or even if there’s no one there at all, it’s nice to know that I will have not just a house, but a home at the end of every day.
Over the years, I’ve had good living situations and bad ones. I’ve had utterly blissful homes and horribly distressing prisons I had to keep residing inside. I’ve had great roommates, bad ones, ones who tried to be bad, and ones who tried to be good, but I’ve never had just me, myself, and I to answer to.
Now, whatever way it goes — up, down, sideways, or to hell — all of it will be on me. The outcome will be because of my actions. It’ll be because I did or did not do something. I will no longer hold responsibility for other people’s actions or inactions. Whether I fly high or sink ship, all of it will be what I made happen alone.
And while that might be horrifying to some, it is absolutely freeing to me.
I can’t wait to move in with my new roommate.