I thought for a long time there was really something wrong with me, and you know, maybe there still is. But now I’m horrified that is really is everyone else.
When I’m exhausted, I want someone to say “I can see why.”
When I’m angry, I want someone to say “You should be.”
When I’m sad, I want a shoulder.
When I’m in pain, I want relief.
When I’m struggling, I want help.
When I’m happy, I want someone to celebrate with.
When I am anything, I just want to feel understood. Accepted. Loved. Cared for.
All I feel anymore is this immense distance between me and everything.
I long for things other people can’t see or think about. I seem to be the only one who wants to grow up, who wants to have a home, who wants to make my dreams come true, who wants to have loyal, interesting, conscientious people around me.
I know, I know… if I live as long as the average member in my family, I still have 70 years left… but why does no one else feel this immense urgency to live now? To be good now? To love and tell those we do now? To create lives (and meaningful ones at that) now?
I feel so scared and sad that these people who I love so dearly, who I want to spend my life with, don’t care enough about life in general to spend it living, let alone healthily and with me.
Why do I always end up loving everyone more than they love me? It puts me in this horrible position of being walked over because I don’t know how to stop that love. I don’t know how to not care for the people who are woven into my soul, in the very blood that runs through my body.
I shut down, act mean, get selfish, and do horrid things because those inverted tendencies are the only things that protect me from the pain I feel when the very few people I love just don’t seem to get it, to care.
It’s not that I need perfection, though I suppose it could be mistaken for such… it’s just that I need to know others feel the same I do. About life, about love, about me and them.
Do the dishes because I do them.
Do take care of me because I care for you.
Do be loyal as I am a lion for you.
Do give me space as I give you, but be there for me as I’m there for you.
Do love me the way I love you.
It’s not about trust; it’s about fearlessness and having it when it comes to living well and to loving me back. It’s about bravery.
“Show me how big your brave is.” – SB