What I Do When I’m Alone

* Make up random songs about what I’m doing.

* Narrate my actions in a Sam Elliott voice.

* Have full conversations with my dog.

* Let my laundry pile up for days weeks.

* Clean 90% of the time. Like you would probably be worried for my health if you saw my ratio of cleaning to other life activities.

* Watch Netflix like it’s my second job.

* Walk around in no and/or hobo clothes.

* Eat really weird meals that probably don’t actually count as meals, like a handful of popcorn, some dark chocolate blueberries, and a hunk of sourdough with cheese.

* Start 50 projects and businesses then remember OMG, I HAVE STUFF TO DO!!!!

* Cry a lot about really weird stuff, like dropping things on the floor and comedy romances.

* Sing at the top of my lungs for 2 seconds and love my inner-Beyonce until I remember I have neighbors and immediately revert to my quiet-as-a-mouse humming.

* Take selfies.

Photo on 2014-01-14 at 22.53 #2

* Eat in my bed BECAUSE WHY WOULDN’T YOU?!

* Rearrange things all. The. Time.

* Turn the AC (or heat) off and on every two seconds because my body doesn’t know what it wants.

* Random dance moves while walking from room to room.

* Let my dog sleep in my bed………… white sheets and all.

* Contemplate the finality of death until I have an existential crisis and ensuing panic attack.

* Write.

* Snapchat random and grotesque faces to my friends.

* Talk to maaayyybbeee two people on the phone, max.

* Go for really long walk ‘n’ talks with my pup. (They’re never as cool as the ones on The West Wing.)

* Skype my sister for nothing less than five hours, even if we’re just cooking in silence at the same time.

* Inspect every flaw of my body and come up with an intricate way to solve it NOW!

* Vine idiotic videos, then later delete them when I realize they aren’t funny at all.

* Create unique, delicious dishes I can inevitably never recreate around other humans.

* Laugh at everything so often and weirdly that I scare myself when I realize how shrill I sound.

* Grade papers, and papers, and papers, AND MORE PAPERS!

* Have one person fashion shows before deciding I hate all my clothes.

* Drink, like, 78 sodas.

* Read.

* Utilize my TV, laptop, phone, and camera all at the same time. #megadesk

* Pass out at odd times such as 6 p.m. before waking up at around 9 or 10, realize I still have to do chores, but decide to write a random blog instead.

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