How-To: 4th of July


How we spend Fourth of July in America:

1. Getting wasted on shitty beer.

2. Eating horrible food (preferably as fatty as possible).

3. Shooting off questionably beautiful fireworks.

4. General troublesome shenanigans.

5. If you’re in the South, things like buttered watermelon contests exist on this day, too.

6. Maybe carnivals? Maybe parades? Maybe country clubs? Maybe beach retreats? IT ALL DEPENDS!

7. Scream “‘MURICA!” and other patriotic fake words all day.

8. Watch Independence Day.

How to ACTUALLY spend Fourth of July in America:

1. Wake up early and spend some time by a body of water.

2. Wait to drink until at least noon, and maybe up the ante, even if the ante is just PBR to Fat Tire and Oscar Mayer to locally raised.

3. Enjoy the loveliness of sparklers and let the professionals do the fireworks shows.

4. Celebrate our independence with people we love without, like, knocking over mailboxes ‘n’ shit.

5. Okay, buttered watermelon contests are actually kind of fun.

6. So are carnivals, parades, country clubs, and beach parties. I GUESS SOME OF OUR TRADITIONS ARE ACTUALLY MAGICAL AND TIMELESS, OKAY?!

7. Damn, now I’m regretting everything. Spend 4th of July however you please. IT’S ABOUT FREEDOM, BABY! ‘MURICA!!!

8. Watch Independence Day.


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