The Great Bra Experiment

I know there’s a couple of you menfolk who read this blog, but this entry is for all the grown women out there. (I mean, maybe it’s for you, too, dudes… I don’t exactly know what you do in your spare time. I support you though, BOO BOOS! This is a gender positive blog, ya know.) Don’t read this if you’re maybe feeling queasy about learning the ins and outs of non-sexual boobdom. However, it miiiight do you some good to inform yourself if you are squeamish about reading more on those two mounds you’re otherwise obsessing with…

I’ve been a life-long size 34C or 32D, depending on what style of bra. I’ve also been a life-long Victoria’s Secret shopper. They carry the only bras (in the past) I found that fit me well and actually did their job of holding the ladies in place. Recently, though, I had been feeling a little let down by the giant pink mecca in the middle of the mall. The 34C wasn’t really doing its thing anymore, but sizes above and below in a whole RANGE of styles didn’t fit. I had suspicions I no longer fell in the VS size range.

Let’s be honest though: almost no one actually “fits” the VS size range. It’s made for women who have huge tits sitting on top of a looooong torso and a tiny everything else. For some reason, genetics and probably hormones bestowed upon me a few years of falling in this mythical, almost unicorn-like category. Then I decided to lose some weight, and although all sorts of VS goodies that hadn’t fit me in years past suddenly draped on my bod like a glove, the damn bras were just. not. working.

I was a little bit apathetic about finding a solution. I figured since I hadn’t really lost the bulk of my boob, since they were just merely (well, this isn’t gonna sound sexy at all) “sitting” different, I didn’t need to mess with anything. If I got fitted anywhere, they would tell me the same thing they always have: “34C! 34C! YOU ARE THE MOST POPULAR BRA SIZE: 34C!”

Almost as if by divine boobervention, I stumbled across a somewhat viral video a few months back called Bra Fitting 101. In the world of instant gratification, I thought “UGH, 16 MINUTES? NO. NO. WHY?! NO. DAMMIT!” The expletive was because I knew I had to watch it. I knew I had to figure out what my new and true bra size was. I wasn’t getting the bang for my bust out of my bras (ha, puns), and I was intrigued as hell to find out what my real band size was. I knew it was way, wayyyy below a 34.

I followed her instructions. (Yes, that means you have to … GASP! … watch it if you want to know how to do it yourself.) I did the calculations. I laughed hysterically.

30DD.

Oh, okay. Sure. This is absolutely correct. OF COURSE!!!! I ALWAYS KNEW I WAS THE PICTURE-PERFECT MODEL OF THE AMERICAN DD!

But the comments all said the measurements worked. The comments mentioned the video changing their lives or some shit. I figured there might be some merit to the masses, but I decided that rather than spending a large amount of money on an even larger bra, I’d wait until I went to one of the stores she mentioned on the video (yep, you’re gonna have to watch) and test drive the car before I invested.

It took me a while to find a valid excuse to show up at Nordstrom, but a weekend in a city that actually HAS one with my two college besties a couple weeks ago was the prime moment. I crept over to the intimates section and was actually startled to see that there were sizes outside of the 32-38 range. It’s like they know all women are DIFFERENT or something?!~!*

I found the 30 bandwidth rack and then found the ONLY 30DD in stock. It was hot pink, a color I’ve steered clear from since I overdosed on it in late high school-early college and realized it IS NOT A GOOD LOOK. I didn’t care. I was so intrigued that I think I RAN to the fitting room. I have a vague memory of some man with all of his wife’s try-ons in a cart trying to race me. He did not win.

I threw all my try-ons, my purse, AND my coconut latte in the chair in the room; there was no time for organization. I ripped that sucker off its hanger, got myself ready, and threw on the bra. I looked up and into the mirror, and my jaw literally dropped. I laughed hysterically again.

It fit perfectly. There was support without that cutting feeling. There was room for adjustment, but not space for the girls to roam. There was no double boob, side boob, or back boob. It was perfect. To boot, it was on sale for $8.

I’ve been having a little trouble finding shirts in my wardrobe that mask the STARK pink color from the world, but when I wear the bra, I feel like I am as fierce as Tyra Banks would want me to be. Now that I know the insane 30DD is ACTUALLY my jam, I’m going to be ordering approximately 23 more from the sites Caty mentions in her video.

Did I mention it makes all of my clothes fit 100x’s better? I’m talking model on the street better. Like, I could be on a street style blog better. Fashion junkie’s dreaaaaam!

IMG_3762.JPG

Bulging at the edges due only to my extremely ridiculous photo taking stance/extra material from my tank. DON’T LET THE VARIABLES DETER YOU FROM THIS GLORIOUS EXPERIMENT!

GET YOUR BOOBS BRA’D UP!

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