bravery

Bravery in the Blog

I may not know much, or hell, even that much at all, but at least I know I’m brave.

I’m brave enough to speak my opinions, whether my readers will agree or not.

I’m brave enough to show my humanity through happiness, anger, sadness, bitching, etc. because I won’t pretend to feel a way others deem “acceptable” just to make said folks comfortable.

I’m brave enough to keep going, despite so many people telling me to stop because “nothing will ever come of this space.”

I’m brave enough to disconnect from people, no matter who they are, who don’t get why I would choose a blog over a career that doesn’t accept what the blog has to say.

I’m brave enough to say e.x.a.c.t.l.y. what I’m thinking.

I’m brave enough to come here and write anything–even the uncomfortable stuff–and sign my name to it.

So why, why, why, is one of you hiding behind the anonymity of the Internet, trying to infiltrate my life? Why are you wasting your time? I will always be here whether you want me to be or not. I may change the blog’s interface or subject matter or header 89 times, but I, the author, will still stand behind it, no matter those changes. I will be here, tall and unwavering, no matter what warfare you’re inexplicably trying to start. In fact, many of the things you’ve tried to accomplish over TWO ENTIRE YEARS have never, ever worked. Let it go or stop reading, plain and simple.

I’m brave enough to say without hesitation that you are a coward. You are someone who has some great void in life, and you fill it with hate instead of newfound interests or love. You are someone who has nothing better to do with your time than to type comments or send emails from behind a veil.

I get it. I certainly would be bored if I couldn’t say precisely what I desired to or confront someone face-to-face. But maybe, just maybe, you could try to be brave. Whatever your problem is, you will never solve it behind that curtain of hate, that security blanket of secrecy, that misdirected keyboard thrashing.

I’m even brave enough to forgive you if you ever want to join us in the Land of the Free Thinkers. If not, just stay in your lane, and let the rest of us write and live our lives to the fullest.

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Bad Day Stream

I thought for a long time there was really something wrong with me, and you know, maybe there still is. But now I’m horrified that is really is everyone else.

When I’m exhausted, I want someone to say “I can see why.”

When I’m angry, I want someone to say “You should be.”

When I’m sad, I want a shoulder.

When I’m in pain, I want relief.

When I’m struggling, I want help.

When I’m happy, I want someone to celebrate with.

When I am anything, I just want to feel understood. Accepted. Loved. Cared for.

All I feel anymore is this immense distance between me and everything.

Lili

I long for things other people can’t see or think about. I seem to be the only one who wants to grow up, who wants to have a home, who wants to make my dreams come true, who wants to have loyal, interesting, conscientious people around me.

I know, I know… if I live as long as the average member in my family, I still have 70 years left… but why does no one else feel this immense urgency to live now? To be good now? To love and tell those we do now? To create lives (and meaningful ones at that) now?

I feel so scared and sad that these people who I love so dearly, who I want to spend my life with, don’t care enough about life in general to spend it living, let alone healthily and with me.

Why do I always end up loving everyone more than they love me? It puts me in this horrible position of being walked over because I don’t know how to stop that love. I don’t know how to not care for the people who are woven into my soul, in the very blood that runs through my body.

I shut down, act mean, get selfish, and do horrid things because those inverted tendencies are the only things that protect me from the pain I feel when the very few people I love just don’t seem to get it, to care.

It’s not that I need perfection, though I suppose it could be mistaken for such… it’s just that I need to know others feel the same I do. About life, about love, about me and them.

Do the dishes because I do them.

Do take care of me because I care for you.

Do be loyal as I am a lion for you.

Do give me space as I give you, but be there for me as I’m there for you.

Do love me the way I love you.

It’s not about trust; it’s about fearlessness and having it when it comes to living well and to loving me back. It’s about bravery.

“Show me how big your brave is.” – SB

Notes to Myself II

Clarity can come at the weirdest of times. Like when you’re chin deep in Trader Joe’s mini-pizzas, feeding your dog the extra pepperonis, talking about how damn sad you are. Also while wearing a sleeveless Gumby and Pokey shirt. Anyway, said clarity:

1. Sometimes a great friend will read your bullshit blog entry before this and remind you to keep your chin up. It will be when you’re grumpy and sad and lonely, and your pal will kind of tell you to man up because there ARE some friends who will always be there, and bad times won’t change that.

2. Adult life decisions can actually be easy if you just listen to yourself instead of the mental noise the world pushes in. I’ll update everyone on my career-related decision when I have more information to give!

3. 2012 has been really, incredibly hard on everyone. Can we just resolve to make 2013 easier for one another? THAT WOULD BE GREAT!

4. On that note, if you’ve had a hard time lately or at any time in 2012, I hope it gets better. I care. You matter. 2013 will be kind to you at least once. Once is all you need.

5. Anesthesia really takes its toll on your brain, including the part where you figure out anesthesia really takes a toll on your brain. I went out with my friends C & D the other night, the first time I’d seen them since my hospital stint. We were going over the details when I realized my inability to form words, coherent sentences, and apparently logical connections between things, was most likely due to being pumped full of serious sedatives a month ago. I knew my extreme, prolonged fatigue and my mood swings (sorry, everyone ever) had the ol’ ‘sthesia to blame, but only in that moment did I realize my recent more-than-usual idiocy had the drugs to blame, too.

6. Never underestimate the healing power of a shower, a good movie, and a warm holiday beverage.

7. Sometimes the universe will help you out when you desperately need it. Even though I want to cry all of the days after having to sell tickets to a Packers game at LAMBEAU, I also want to hug the hell out of whoever bought them and brought me back from the brink of personal bankruptcy.

8. And because sometimes you just need to be stupid and “Say Anything”-ish and courageous… All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be yourself because who you are is who I love, and I never, ever want that person to change. If I had enough poster board, this would be my “Love Actually” moment.

If Rick Grimes did it, so can I. NO SHAME IN MY GAME, BRO.
9. Being brave is terrifying, but fear is worse. I’m not a coward, but I can act like one. I can’t tell you how much better I feel when I take a chance (see #8) instead of letting fear hold me back, because that chance almost always leads to something magical. Like cupcakes or you know, love.
10. Taylor Kitsch.