crazy

www. Wednesday

Happy half-way through day, ladies and gents! Links for your perusing pleasure…

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+ As everyone here knows, I can get pretty political and impassioned when people are being wronged… but instead, I will just leave this gorgeous series of photos of the prayer chain in Charleston here, because I need–and maybe you to do–to focus on the positive for a while. It’s absolutely stunning what people can do when they work together.

+ A lot of people these days say reading is a waste of time, or boring, or insert other moronic excuse here. GOOD NEWS, LIT LOVERS: WE DA HAPPIEST!

+ I’m 114% positive I have thought this type of malpractice was going to happen to me before because I KNOW MY BODY, but doctors think I’m crazy. Doctors let this poor girl die because they didn’t take her seriously, and I am so proud of her mother for making a public effort to change that in the face of losing her gal. Brava, lady.

+ I’m intuitive and introverted (with a pesky outgoing personality), and this is why you think I’m totally bonkers.

+ Back to that whole book thing mentioned above: if you need a summer reading list, Refinery29’s got you! I also have a massive stack beside my bed I could roll-call for you, but I’m not sure you’d find that appealing!

+ My fave Aussie blogger came up with a list of 35 things she’s learned about life in 35 years, and I agree with ALL of them… except maybe the kid one 😉

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Hey, did you know PYGMY HIPPOS WERE A THING?! Now you do & you can obsess with me!

Hey, did you know PYGMY HIPPOS WERE A THING?! Now you do & you can obsess with me!

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A Love Letter to Aubrey O’Day

And by love letter, I mean I want to fist fight with you in a parking lot, high school style.

Alright, yeah, I did go through the Danity Kane phase because that’s when I was single and liked to dance around a lot with my girlfriends, and you guys had some catchy tunes. You opened for Christina Aguilera when I finally got off my ass to go see her, and you didn’t lip sync, so I was like “Cool, whatever, I guess I don’t hate any of these reality-turned-pop star bitches even though my intellect totally wants me to.”

You vanished from my consciousness as fast as your band did from the media’s eye. I don’t even have your tracks selected on my iTunes anymore because I kind of don’t want to be reminded of you. Your band is one of those “I’ll listen to it with my BFFs when we’re drunk and feeling nostalgic for crazy” kind of things. DK isn’t even tied to anything in my past that means, well, anything because you and your chick back-ups were reserved for nights of black-out drinking.

I happened upon you again when my boyfriend started to record Celebrity Apprentice. Aside from finding the show extremely out of character for J, I decided to watch. Hey, if he likes it, maybe there’s something there aside from an extremely laughable combover in a board room.

And there was. There is. It’s you. And I don’t mean that in the same way as I do your co-stars. I want to snuggle Arsenio Hall and Clay Aiken and their bromance close to my bosom. I want to become Dayana Mendoza’s best gal pal because she’s the cutest motherfucker I’ve ever seen. I want to punch Debbie Gibson in the nose, sure, but you take the blood-boiling cake. You are the craziest bitch I have never met in my life, including but not limited to a pool of women like your co-HBIC, Lisa Lampanelli.

Last night as we were catching up on our not-so-guilty pleasure, I had to soothe J from throwing the remote into our TV, more accurately at the precise spot your face was appearing. You set us off into discussions about two-faced women that last the entire two hour duration of your show, impressing us more and more each moment with your unfaltering capacity for selfishness. You think you are the queen of the world, but I don’t think I even have to take the time to say you’re not.

Not only do you look like you were born and raised on the runways of a gentlemen’s club, you stand for literally everything I don’t like about mankind. Talk about a gal who needs to read everyone’s Everything Card! You are egocentric and cruel, with zero regard to meaning what you say. I hope you’re sobbing on your couch over a tub of ice cream, crying your shitty mascara off as you watch footage of yourself from this season of “reality” and realize what a suckage of resources you are.

So here’s to you, you orangey-red beast of plastic. I hope somewhere you’re stumbling around on your trashy lime-green stilettos, singing about yourself in the voice that’s a former shell of its once debatable glory, because I know no one else is. I guess when all you’ve got is yourself and your Playboy spread, you have to become your own BFF. Stay crazy, girl!

Gonnas: Neuroses

Yesterday, I didn’t get around to that whole playing outside thing, but I did find some more jobs that were trying to hide from me. I don’t know why they tried…
I found them online amidst a long night of wind, heavy rain, and thunder. I’ve never been able to sleep when there’s severe weather (just ask my mom) and last night was no different. I actually stayed up until 7 a.m. this morning watching the news. The word you’re scrambling for is not crazy. Neurotic is the proper term.
To pass the time, I would, on occasion, leave the TV to do something productive. I spent my hours seeking glamorous retail jobs and even found an opening in loss prevention! (K, not actually excited. Well, except maybe about that last one, because I could dress like Carmen Sandiego and bust some fools.) I cleaned out my vanity almost completely and spent hours perfecting a logo for my most recent idea obsession. I’d show it to you, but that would take away the fun of a bigger reveal later. I want to Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction everyone with it.
Since I stayed up glued to the screen like a gold digger to a dying old man, I didn’t wake up until this afternoon, but have already been more productive today than I was the month leading up to my NYC trip.
Today I’m gonna apply for those jobs, clean out my desk, and probably do something I haven’t foreseen as a possible goal for today. And please – I know I’m not very serious, but – on a serious note, keep everyone affected by these tornadoes in your thoughts. It’s rough out there.