feminism

HOW TO BE A WOMAN!

Hey, so, I’m not one to berate other women, but when you’re putting the feminist cause back, like, 50 years, I’m gonna need ya to pipe down.

So when I found this intensely infuriating Thought Catalog entry titled “50 Ways to Be a Woman,” I wanted to scream “HAVE A VAGINA?!?! OR NOT?! IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER BECAUSE IF YOU IDENTIFY AS A WOMAN, YOU ARE ONE!!!!!!!!!”

But instead, I thought I should give public, livid, and perhaps humorous retaliations to all 50 pieces of advice on how to be a rEAl WomAn!*~ You will actually have to read the prior-mentioned demeaning piece of journalism to understand my responses, but if you don’t have the time, that’s cool.

1. Practice good personal grooming habits because we are all humans with noses, and it’s kinda nice to not make other humans vomit because you smell like toe cheese. Also, “take care of your body ’cause you only get one” is probably the best reason to wear sunscreen and bathe.

2. Dress however the shit you want.

3. Fashion staples are a basic thing in life if you care about style… but not having them doesn’t make you less of a woman or a man or an alien with 25 purple heads.

4. Say thank you all the time because that’s how the world works. You don’t have to go through some elaborate song-and-dance to do so. Do whatever shows appreciation for the person at hand.

5. Don’t sit on your ass and let shit happen that sucks.

6. Don’t spend your money like a child whose just won the lottery would.

7. Don’t talk about things you don’t know about aka get an education, and don’t let anyone tell you one type of education is less than another.

8. Hold your ground when assfaces try to sway you from yourself.

9. For some reason, there’s more about education here. I think the best way to be educated is to be in-the-know about what’s offensive as fuck to women of all types if you’re going to write an article about them.

10. Apparently women can’t handle their liquor so they should either be cool drinkers or non-drinkers. NO MIDDLE-GROUND HERE, LADIES. WE’RE EITHER LUSHES OR WE’RE SAINTS!!!! Jk, drink what you want, how you want as long as you’re being healthy and if you need help, ask for it.

11. High heels make you sexy so walk in them or something. Or don’t or something. How about you wear whatever you want to wear, okay girl? I don’t care if you can’t walk in them. Whoever does is a dick.

12. ALERT, ALERT: THE ONLY WAY FOR A MAN TO TREAT YOU LIKE A HUMAN SHOULD TREAT A HUMAN IS TO ACT LADYLIKE! …… except that if a human doesn’t treat you like a human, that’s on them, not you. And even though I am far from always being on my June Cleaver, my boyfriend is still doing things like opening the doors for me and respecting me and treating me to dinner, soooo… theory of gentleman-hood disproven, Catilin?

13. Yeah, you should keep your business to yourself, especially if you have weird opinions about what “being a woman” is. You’ll have a happier life that way. But what does that have to do with being a “real” woman? NOTHING, BABY; NOTHING.

14. No, you won’t agree with everyone. Yes, you should avoid conflict. But when someone is an asshole, spreading their gospel like it’s fact, you should definitely say something to them. Or, if you don’t know them, you should write a blog to say “HEY CAITLIN, I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH YOUR PATRIARCHAL-INDOCTRINATED VIEW OF WHAT WOMANHOOD IS!” Don’t be a doormat just to look “lady-like.”

15. Share whatever the hell you want on social media. You’re smart enough to figure out what will fly and what won’t with the people in your circle. Some of us don’t really care if it flies or not; that’s no mark of femininity.

16. Yeah, ask for help…. from anyone, of any sex, gender, non-gender, race, orientation, religion, etc. That’s, uh, how humans survive?

17. Answer your phone how you want. Answer your phone at work differently. If you hate the phone, don’t answer it. Glad we got that one handled.

18. Be kind to humans because the struggle is real. All humans. Of all creeds. Not just women.

19. Find faith or don’t, brah, just don’t push it in anyone’s face.

20. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. Ah, sorry. This is the one I found funniest. It was about not confining yourself to gender stereotypes but not “defying them for sport.” I dunno about you, but this is extremely offensive, and I refuse to acknowledge it as a thing that a human would actually say.

21. Don’t be a sore loser, like when you write an article that is an epic fail.

22. Be who you want to be so you find yourself fun. Fuck anyone who thinks you’re uninteresting; your life is about YOU.

23. BE THE HERO THAT GOTHAM DESERVES! Wait, what? I got confused.

24. This is another thing about not being a doormat. I’m reiterating it because it’s good to not be a doormat, especially if you’re being told you’re not a “real woman” because you don’t fit some arbitrary, bullshit list of criteria.

25. Leave your legs wide open. Cross them so tight you can’t uncross them. Shape them into a pretzel. Lift them above your head. Do whatever you want with your own god damn legs.

26. Another repeat–this is the third pair–about not lowering your standards. You shouldn’t, but remember: to be a woman, there are no standards!

27. Do what you love. Don’t waste your life doing stuff you hate.

28. Follow the rules or don’t, just don’t hurt other people.

29. Oh. My. God. DON’T talk about Becky’s butt. That’s mean body-shaming and no one likes you. But if you do, that doesn’t mean you’re suddenly a bearded dragon instead of a female.

30. Don’t let your sig other define you, but also don’t assume that everyone is straight and has a “boyfriend” or “husband.” Open your eyes to the beautiful spectrum of people in this world who love each other.

31. I don’t think a woman has gone to college actively seeking a mate and a mate only in a solid number of decades, so for this one I will say: don’t repeat old adages (that aren’t technically adages anymore) as fact.

32. *See #20 for my reaction to basically the same offensive statement.

33. There IS a time and place for everything… like not EVER telling the whole Internet that you only view women who do {insert weird, outdated list here} as women

34. Laugh. Most importantly at this woman’s awful advice.

35. Find beauty in every day by finding the beauty in all types of women, not just women who wear pearls and cross their legs.

36. Be happy if you can. If you’re not, that’s okay, too. Some of us are depressed and need drugs to help us feel happy which is apparently “unattractive,” but it’s okay. We all know by now that this list is the biggest pile of malarky since Joe Biden called Paul Ryan on all of his in 2012.

37. Yes, please do put yourself (and whatever version of a woman you are) first.

38. Ah, the old stay-at-home versus career-woman debate. I knew it was coming. Either one is fine. In-betweens are fine. Completely different things are fine. What you do does not a woman make.

39. She actually caught herself on #38 and tried to remedy it on #39. Yay?

40. YES, RESPECT YOUR FELLOW WOMEN, EVEN IF THEY DO NOT FIT YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT DEFINITION OF WOMANHOOD. RESPECT WOMEN OF ALL RACES, ORIENTATIONS, RELIGIONS, CREEDS, ETC. RESPECT WOMEN ENOUGH TO NOT PUT THEM IN BOXES (or binders, as Romney would say). RESPECT YOUR FELLOW WOMEN ENOUGH TO CALL THEM ON THEIR SEXIST BULLSHIT SO THEY CAN BECOME MORE ENLIGHTENED HUMANS.

41. No, you shouldn’t be afraid of being a woman or wearing pink, but I fucking hate pink. So I will still embrace my femininity by wearing whatever I want. I will also embrace the chosen level of femininity my fellow women do or do not feel comfortable with, whether that has jackshit to do with the color PINK.

42. Uh, yeah, I think we all know by now all the women who independent throw your hands up at ‘Yonce. But there’s not a specific thing that makes someone more independent, really. For some, independence is just being able to walk on their own, so check yo’ privilege. (Also, WHO ARE YOU THAT SOMEONE IS TRYING TO PUMP GAS FOR YOU SO LATE IN YOUR LIFE? WHERE IS THIS PLACE? PLEASANTVILLE? WHERE ARE YOU? DO YOU NEED HELP?!?!)

43. This is a reminder (uh-hum… repetition) that you shouldn’t spend your money like a dickweed.

44. HELL YEAH, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SAY NO! There you go, gal. Now you’re getting somewhere. Say no to things you don’t want to do as furiously as you would say no to unwanted sexual advances from another human. You have every right as a woman to say no to AN. Y. THING.

45. I think #44 is where this girl starts realizing the entirety of what she just wrote was incredibly horrible, because this is about being a fortress against manipulation. Then again, this implies that we are easily manipulated, sooooo…..

46. “BE AN ADVOCATE FOR OTHER WOMEN. WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.” Now Caitlin’s talking. We are in this together, which is why I felt so incredibly cut by this article. I thought of my friends who had never felt good enough before thanks to men or other women or non-gendered folks, and it made me furious that a woman would… AGAIN… be shooting other women down with her impossible (and not truly applicable) standards. So Caitlin, I’m sorry if this bites and stings, but you have to know that what you wrote is the OPPOSITE of this, THE most important number on your “real woman” list.

47. I think the best thing to say here is never let a human make you feel inferior, and never let other humans make others feel inferior as well.

48. YAS, BITCH, YAS! Be a role model for other women. Be a role model for men. Be a role model for every different kind of gender and sex and all the in-betweens we have. Start by not being a douche, then take it from there.

49. Ugh, Caitlin, NO! You had made so much progress. It doesn’t matter if you’re going to be a mom or a Sunday school teacher or the first female pope or a dinosaur on Mars, you have no one to answer to but yourself about how you live. Yes, care about what your choices will do to you and the people around you you give two shits about, but other than that, if you look too far down the road, what stories will you have to tell your kids or students or the Martians when you’re old? Be you, and don’t worry about your mistakes. Everyone, even women, makes mistakes. Don’t let them rule you or your decisions.

50. RESPECT YOURSELF……. but also respect others and the way they live their life. Respect the life they were born into and the lives they have created. Respect women from all walks of life. Respect women who are transitioning. Respect women who are struggling. Respect women with vaginas. Respect women without vaginas. Respect women enough to never, ever, ever tell them they are not good enough.

You’re welcome for my sage advice. Also, you’re a woman if you feel you are, end of story! You don’t need 50 rules from me or anyone else. Now go on girl. Do yo’ thang. xo, Reyonce

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To the Women…

The drive home from my aunt’s house last night was full of laughter, my grandma and her daughters recounting the time she and Pop-Pop horrified them, using a ripped blouse as inspiration for a pre-date prank.

“Sometimes the Devil just gets inside of you, and you have to go for it!” Sassy Maggie said.

We laughed until we cried, and I just felt so warm inside, the visceral kind that reaches your toes and your bones simultaneously.

I had been surrounded by such strong women all day, women who have survived lost love, lost children, divorces, economic hardship, and the day-in, day-out patriarchal bullshit I’m still putting up with today. And luckily, because we’re strong, we’ve surrounded ourselves with men who build us up; men that know that if they don’t, they’ll be kicked to the curb because we have each other–the women–to pick up the pieces.

Our society is divided by race, sex, and religion more than ever, but I don’t see that in my blended, matriarchal family. And though I’m so thankful for the men in my life (aka some of the strongest feminists I know), and my friends, and my love, and my puppies, and the general blessings of a white, middle-class (i.e. PRIVILEGED) American, I’m still the most thankful when I look around the kitchen in my Grandma’s house in the stark light of a November morning and see women of three different generations relating over and over again. About drugs. About music. About family. About sitting inside together on Black Friday in support of a young man in Ferguson instead of shopping for more shit we don’t need. About making today about someone else.*

It doesn’t matter if we were born in 1921 or 1950 or 1987. Because women are the strongest when we sit together over coffee, realizing that no matter how we differ, we are stronger and better together.

I am so thankful for the women who taught me to rise above the status quo, to strive to listen, to be better, to help, to support, to never let a man sit you down in a corner and tell you “No, you can’t do that.”

And it fills me with joy when I see my cousin teaching his daughter the same things, and letting me teach them to her, too, with 100 percent trust that I have her best interest–as a human, but most importantly, a woman–at heart.

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What women are you thankful for this year? I am proud of oh-so-many of us for breaking boundaries and building bridges this year!

 

* Well, I guess aside from this blog entry.

www. Wednesday

This particular www. Wednesday is full of clickbait, but I don’t care! It’s THE CREAM OF THE CROP of clickbait. Read it, breathe it, live it.

+ I thank my lucky stars that the men I had in my life growing up were feminists, but the world could use more of them. If you’re interested in making the world a more feminist place, check out this list from xoJane of 35 practical steps men can take to support feminism.

+ www. Wednesday would simply not be the same without at least ONE Game of Thrones-related link: 19 words that have a totally different meaning on GoT.

+ As an English teacher (and general lover of the written word), I can’t resist a good list o’ things you probably never knew about the English language. Promise I’m not trying to bamboozle ya!

+ Bees are literally the coolest (and cutest) creatures on the planet, yet we treat them like crap. They also, you know, KEEP US ALIVE! Here’s a really cool way to give back to them by creating your very own bee hydrator.

+ If you want to see the amazing side of Pakistan we never get to see thanks to skewed media coverage, please check out this beautiful list of photographs that finally illustrate there is more to their culture than war.

+ If you are antisocial (cough… ME! …cough) than you will identify with and adore this list of 30 things only AS people understand.

+ Check out my friend Liz’s #BeFearless project if you haven’t already. She explains everything on this page dedicated to it on her blog, not to mention you can find MY story there AND submit your very own, even if you don’t have a blog!

Now stare at this puppy’s sweet face and have an amazing Wednesday. I know I will, even if I’m sick, because it means I get to read like it’s my job!

If I Were

If I were a man, I could say things about how awfully overworked I am as an educator without getting labeled a “whiny princess.”

I wouldn’t have to put up with idiotic jokes about making sandwiches or “how crazy bitches are all the time, maaaaaan.”

I wouldn’t have to watch videos like this and look on, puzzled and infuriated, as these two privileged-ass men mock a perfectly capable woman for a perfectly valid (NOT STUPID) opinion.

I wouldn’t have to deal with being looked at like I’ve sprouted four extra heads when I say, no, I don’t want kids, and if I do end up with them, I don’t want them to come from my own womb.

I wouldn’t have to worry about where the exits are, what I can use for a weapon, what time it is, how much light is outside, where I can hide, where I can run.

I wouldn’t have to worry about whether I’m acting cool enough to be an attractive mate, working hard enough to keep that mate, and/or losing myself enough to be a life-long mate.

I wouldn’t have to worry about if what I’m wearing is inappropriate simply because of the way my body has naturally shaped itself thanks to genetics, and I wouldn’t have to worry about being called a classless slut if my outfit didn’t end up making that acceptable cut.

I wouldn’t have to wonder if I’m getting equal pay, the best deal, screwed over, or rightful treatment simply due to my sex.

I wouldn’t have to kiss ass just because all of my superiors are men that either want me, hate me, or don’t know what to do with me.

I wouldn’t have to have a bigger, more menacing escort to take me places to look at items on Craigslist, a bar late at night, or even just to the garage to get my car fixed.

I wouldn’t have to hear that everything is my fault, that rape is preventable, that we’re all just asking for it.

I wouldn’t have to worry if the words coming out of my mouth are too brash or too honest, too filthy or too loud.

I wouldn’t have to worry if wanting, needing, and loving to be alone is a safe decision due to the ingrained violence against women in our society.

I wouldn’t have to deal with catcallers, entitled “nice guys,” or friends who aren’t really my friends since they always expect more one day.

I wouldn’t have to be labeled as irrational, emotional, weak, and unintelligent.

I wouldn’t have to wonder why a disgusting slang word for my vagina is commensurate to the slur for being a weak man, a lesser person.

I wouldn’t have to worry about my reproductive rights and health, and I wouldn’t have to worry about whether people would look down on me for having sex, or worse, enjoying it.

I wouldn’t have to worry if smiling at that elderly man in the grocery store today as a human courtesy was instead taken as an invitation.

I wouldn’t have to question my choices, identity, and appearance constantly, never quite free from critique, even if I choose not to listen.

I wouldn’t have to worry about backlash for writing something like this, for comments from readers telling me to “get over it,” “grow up,” or “stop overgeneralizing.”

If I were a man, I wouldn’t. I just wouldn’t.

Keep It To Yourself

by the fabulous KateorDie (click here for full comic)

There’s a consent problem in this world. And no, I’m not jumping on the let’s-look-into-a-song-more-than-we-should-instead-of-using-that-energy-to-address-more-time-sensitive-feminist-issues-like-supporting-and-caring-for-actual-rape-survivors train. I’m talking about the thing that proceeds rape, or stalking, or sexual harassment, or invasion of privacy and self in other ways. I’m talking about the cat-call, and even more threatening, the stare down (sometimes accompanied with the even more scary moving-in-close).

There is something incredibly grating about getting cat-called, but more than that, it is the first step in a violent trifecta of behavior men (and some women) in general think is okay. That last part is what blows my mind. Men do it because they think it’s just fine to yell whatever crass and moronic shit they can at a woman in close proximity.

Twice today, I was cat-called while I was in my car. I was listening to a podcast featuring Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost. I had just gotten off work. It was Friday, and I was in my personal space. I was looking straight ahead at the stoplight, laughing at my radio, and minding my own fucking business because it’s my right to decompress after work. Unfortunately, some nongentleman beside me started yelling at me through my open window.

I ignored him. It was not my job to respond to this asshole, though many women often feel pressured to do so due to the acceptance of this bullshit in our country and our female guilt complex. Despite my efforts to deny him access to my life, he only got louder until he seriously screamed at me, jarring me out of Podcast Land, and straight into Bitchmode Land. I looked at him as unruffled as I could, saying nothing.

“Hey, anybody tell you you were cute?”
Insert my pissed off, know-it-all, Leslie Knope-angry face.
“Uh, yeah. They do. What the hell?”
“WELL YOU ARE! YOU ARE!”
Without exaggeration, he started laughing maniacally.

Luckily, my light had changed so I could leave, but I was instantly rage-crying. (DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW!) Just as I was back in my happy place of podcast, it happened again closer to home. I ignored the unwanted suitor until he HONKED AT ME. I just shrugged and pulled off as the light (luckily) changed again.

What right did these strangers have to interject themselves into my life? What right did they have to use their “physical male dominance” to scare me into responding? None. The answer is none.

I’ve dealt with this most of my life, and learned early on to ignore it and keep a vigilant eye and ear open, but when does it become not my problem anymore? When does it become the problem of the violent, rude, sexually abusive men who do these unacceptable acts? The answer should be now, but it’s not. It never is.

Stop staring us down like you want to eat us. Stop yelling at us like we owe you something. Stop borderline running towards our cars when you ask us for a ride, but we ignore you, looking for an exit ASAP. Stop calling us bitches when we DO respond and tell you no and/or to fuck off. Stop using your self-percieved strength to threaten us. Stop “giving us compliments” we don’t want or need.*

We don’t owe you a single iota of anything. Keep it, all of it, to yourself.

*unfortunately, all true incidents i have encountered

My Mom v. Diane Keaton

Well, I had drafted parts of this before Mother’s Day with every intention of doing a cutesy, yet somewhat humorous, shoutout to my Moms. But then finals week slammed me, and my alma mater aka my sister’s undergrad school decided to hold her graduation ceremony ON MOTHER’S DAY…… rude. RUDE!

But this comparison is one well known among our family and friends, one that my sister and I make as often as possible, especially when we find some new and hilarious way in which my mother and Diane Keaton are alike. (Wait, did I say alike? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure they are one.) So even though Mother’s Day has come and gone, this oldie but goldie comparison model is one that is here to stay.

1. They both get hilarious after a glass of wine.

2. They both dressed like this in the 70s. (Mom would want me to note that she dressed this way before “Annie Hall” was even a glimmer in Woody Allen’s eye.)

My sister can look like young Woody sometimes, but that’s another entry…
3. They both look like this now.
4. They are both neurotic, but in that adorable Diane-Keaton-as-an-overprotective-frazzled-mom-in-a-movie way.
5. Did I mention they look alike?
6. Goofs (by themselves, or as pictured, with their pals).
7. No, but I mean like, seriously, they’re both from Planet Babe.
8. They are both strong, smart, creative women who note the importance of skincare, education, women’s (and others’) rights, cute fashion, and how dumb men can be.
LUV U LADIES!

SPOILER ALERT!

Daenerys Targaryen is a Bad. Ass. Bitch.
1. Just look at her. Look at her. LOOK AT HER!

2. After her psychotic, idiotic brother sold her into marriage, she decided to become a true member of the people to which she was now queen Khaleesi.

3. SHE DECIDED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THIS SEXY ASSHOLE.
4. She ate the heart of a god damn horse.

5. She is a firm, but gentle leader. Like, she’ll save your life from rapists, but if you use black magic to kill her husband, she’ll like… burn you alive.

6. She WALKED INTO A FIRE AND DIDN’T DIE OR EVEN GET BURNED. Oh, and she emerged with a few DRAGONS.

7. She led the people she inherited from her husband through desolate wasteland instead of abandoning them for her own sake.

8. She took on a bunch of really weird, obviously wine-addicted warlocks to save her dragons children.

9. She locked a bunch of traitorous assholes inside an empty vault to die, then stole all their money because they sucked.

10. SHE JUST BOUGHT A CITY’S ARMY, TURNED THEM AGAINST THE CITY, BURNED THEIR LEADER ALIVE WITH A DRAGON, THEN FREED ALL THE MEMBERS OF THE ARMY…… AND THEY DECIDED TO FIGHT FOR HER ANYWAY.

Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, you are my hero now and forever. No one will institutionalize me if I start acting with even half this badassery and power, will they? Alright, good. Now that that’s settled, I’m off to take back the Iron Throne…

Or go to sleep. Same thing, right?

Papa Don’t Teach

In the middle of writing my first unit plan timeline for my Master’s program, I can’t help but think about a discussion my peers and I had with our professor yesterday.

The particular course in question is focused around the multiculturalism we will see in our classroom on all scales, even controversial ones like religion and sexual orientation. The class is small, which is conducive to a lot of discussion. Because there are so few of us, we are able to be comfortable being extremely honest. No one ever fights, even when we disagree. Yesterday, however, found us all agreeing on the blatant errors in the education system. The number one problem? Lack of respect for the profession, most grossly illustrated by lack of pay.

Here’s what non-educators don’t understand: you have to know a lot about a lot to be a teacher. That is the easiest way to put it. More specifically: you have to know how to handle your subject (multiple ones if you’re a lower-grades educator); you must meet national, state, school district, and school standards; you must learn classroom management skills; you must learn how to teach learners from all demographics; you must be able to differentiate for each of these students. You must learn how to plan, how to grade, how to teach (there is actually a method), how to reach every student. You have to learn how to balance between the technical (test scores), the outsiders (parents and some administrators), and the most important piece, the education itself. All the while, we are offered jobs on a contract basis for very little pay.

No one teaches for money. But does that mean educators don’t deserve pay commensurate to that of doctors? No. Quite the contrary.

Just like a doctor, you have to be on call 24/7. The job never stops, even if you’re a great time manager, because you never stop caring.

Just like a doctor, you must learn about many different systems. You must learn how each system works, how each system can perform at its healthiest, and how to diagnose and solve any problems within each system.

Just like a doctor, we have many patients, but we also have their families and advocates to manage as well.

Just like a doctor, we have to be trained explicitly. We have to care, manage, problem-solve, communicate, educate, practice, practice some more, plan, plan even more, and make sure we are doing only benevolent deeds. Our number one priority is saving lives. We may not take the Hippocratic oath, but we make a solemn promise to do whatever we can for our students to ensure no harm comes to them. Sometimes that oath is more literal than other times, but it is always something that we do.

But even average entry-level doctors make well over $100,000. The average entry-level teacher on the other hand? $30,000-$38,000 here in NC, depending on the level of degree they hold.

The saddest thing of all is not that the time, effort, and sheer amount of knowledge the average teacher must have to adequately perform the job is overlooked and underpaid; it is that if more men were in the teaching profession, we could more successfully ask for pay raises.

And as a female pre-service teacher who is spending the same amount of time on teacher training per week as a full-time job for zero pay, who must act as a doctor but get paid as a pauper, that doesn’t sit well with me.

That’s why it’s documentary time. Something has to shift. If papa don’t teach, then mama (and already-teaching papas) don’t get paid? I don’t think so.

YOU FAT S.O.B.

Believe it or not, this is a REAL quote from Rush Limbaugh:
“So Miss Fluke, and the rest of you Feminazis, here’s the deal. If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, and thus pay for you to have sex. We want something for it. We want you post the videos online so we can all watch.”

The fucking nerve of this guy. Rush, how about I pose a proposition for you? Since you have access to condoms at nearly every store in America, why don’t you put on a frilly little number and hop on camera for us ladies, eh?

Oh, excuse me, I just vomited in my hand.

Your logic is like a god damn slice of swiss cheese. You don’t want to pay for birth control, but you don’t want abortions to be like… a thing, ya know?! You don’t want to offer women reproductive control, but you’re not really down with giving money to mothers who have to raise these children they never said they were ready for. It’s all math, and apparently you fail that shit, New Coke style.

Perhaps us feeble gals should be chained to our ovens, released only for primping and sex – for procreation only, of course! Perhaps we should shut the fuck up while obese pricks like you ruin our country some more. Yeah, it would be okay watching the world burn as long as my lipstick were perfect.

This whole infringement on freedom of religion argument is bullshit. I don’t even need to address it because it has even more fallacies than your convoluted, sexist rhetoric.

The next time you try to stick your penis in some unfortunate woman, remember, Rush: she surely must be a sex-taping slut because it’s not like you’re trying to get your rocks off or anything.

Oh, fuck it, you know what?! You’re right. I’m a giant slutbag. Being in a loving, committed relationship, yet being smart enough to know we’re not ready for kids is a sham. I really just want the birth control I eat by the handful to be free because I’m having SO MUCH SEX THAT I CAN’T AFFORD THE CONTRACEPTION!!!! Because you know, that’s how prescriptions work…

You’re right, ya old son-of-a-bitch. Couldn’t possibly be that women want to have control over their bodies in the same way men do. That would just be foolish!

Ya dick.