funny

Some Sunday Selections

I normally (er… used to normally?) hook up links to my blog during my www. Wednesday feature, but since I’m SO far behind, I figured I’d roll ’em all out here on this lazy Sunday. Or, if you’re like me, you’ve already been up for three hours listening to the Arctic Monkeys and planning blog entries.

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+ I LOVE short stories. There is something about them that is so special; here’s a list compiled by Refinery29 of 30 you need to read… bookmarked and ready to go over here!

+ My friend S posted or sent this McSweeney’s article to me forever ago, and it just knocked me off my feet. It’s a perfect picture of our mental health care system right now, as written by a lady writer whose been through it all. She’s also witty as hell, so read it if you like charming-as-hell writing.

+ Not that I know anyone like this (cough… me), but I’ll just leave this here for anyone who might understand the 11 struggles of being a highly sexual being.

+ Through pure chance, I am apparently a combination of two of my lady heroes’ body-type wise: KimK (hourglass) and Angelina (carrot), and I could not be happier. I also adore how many body types they address in this article. #Refinery29JunkieForLife

+ I will never tire of this highly paid teachers salary math problem floating around on the Internet. Spoiler alert: teachers are so, so, SO underpaid.

+ BLESS THIS POST: 15 things you don’t owe ANYONE.

+ Just sayin’, this dude ain’t a marriage counselor for nothing. He understands why women (or men) leave and/or cheat on the ones they love: lack of attention/gratitude/listening.

+ Because I miss it every day, here’s a compilation of 26 Office quotes that will make you laugh. There are thousands more if you just WATCH THE SHOW!

+ I was appalled to find that the Neutrogena products I’d been using for YEARS were exposed as being horrible for you/NOT WORKING this year, especially since I’m (for the most part) vigilant about sun exposure. EWG has an extensive list of sunscreens that actual work, while also being good for your body.

+ God, I hope this scientifically-proven method of decreasing procrastination works on my concrete-stubborn procrastination tendencies.

+ This beauty article makes me feel so validated about my brow tendencies. Here’s how to keep your brows on FLEEK… and get ’em there if you don’t feel satisfied yet 🙂

+ Please enjoy this puppy photo to brighten your day, or you know, make it brighter.

via jjae

via jjae

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Hopefully I’ve caught up enough to jump back into the www. Wednesday pattern later this week! Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, lovies ❤

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Inaugural FOoTW: TOM HIDDLESTON

What IS FOoTW? “Fangirl Object of the Week” is a bloggy creation of mine, dedicated to releasing my (not-so)inner fangirl. Here’s a pretty accurate description of what a “fangirl” is, courtesy of the always reliable Urban Dictionary:

A rabid breed of human female who is obsessed with either a fictional character or an actor. Similar to the breed of fanboy. … Have been known to glomp, grope, and tackle when encountering said obsessions.

This is, like, borderline “Single White Female,” without the murder, sprinkled with a lot of innocence and respect. Every once in a while, I’ll publicly gush over one of these objects of my over-affection because sometimes, you just need to let it out, honey.

Let the love commence.

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Tom, Tom, Tom. Where do I begin?

It wasn’t that long ago when I didn’t know much about you. Heather talked of your appearance in “Thor” a lot, but I had yet to check it out myself. I saw you on the occasional Tumblr post and knew there was a sort of religious following in the vein of Hiddles, but I couldn’t be bothered to research. I was an unemployed 20-something with lots of Internet to cover, okay!?

But one day, my boyfriend suggested we watch “Thor,” and I came away with a new appreciation for the lanky Brit in green and black. The ship started innocently enough… I suggested we dress our dog as Loki for Halloween. That was merely the tip of the iceberg, though.

It was a slow process, starting with Loki research, then some Avengers research, then some HOLY SHIT, LOOK AT ALL OF THESE PHOTOS OF TOM IN DELICIOUS SUITS research. I finally watched “The Avengers,” and all bets were motherfucking off; I shot directly from generic fan into career-Hiddles worship.

I started seeking out more Tommy flicks to watch after that, even if that just meant rewatching the same YouTube clip from The Hollow Crown because damn boy, you sexy.

Then I realized that not only were you a master looker, you were also a master of fun, and if there’s anything on this planet I love most, it’s a jokester. And Tom, Tom, Tom… you are the funniest of the funny with your pranks, your impressions, and those masterful EHEHEHEHE’s. See for yourself, future fangirls.

Now you’re who I rent otherwise shitty movies for. You’re who I drag my boyfriend to the movie theater for on opening night. In fact, you’re the one my boyfriend hates most ’cause I have permission to break the confines of monogamy with you. (Don’t worry… if Marisa Tomei ever shows up, he’ll nab the same privilege.) Not to say you’re a piece of meat or an object as the title of this post suggests; in fact, you are the true opposite–an entirely unique and amazing human being–and that’s why I love you and your face so damn much.

So Tom, thank you for your glorious waves of ever-changing hair. Thank you for looking debonaire in a suit. Thank you for THOSE EYES. Thank you for being a kind dude, especially to batshit fans like myself. Thank you for being romantic as hell in a world where it’s dwindling, and sweet angel, thank you for that CHOCOLATELY smooth voice. Perhaps most of all, thanks for introducing the Internet to a thing called “getting Loki’d.” Where would Tumblr be without you, Tom? THE ANSWER IS NO WHERE.

Tom, you lanky, saucy minx, thank you for saving the Internet world from never believing in love again.

Oh, and as for your proposal of marriage, I shall send you my reply with all of my love within a fortnight. Xoxo, babe.

Things I Wish I Could Tell My Teenage Self

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If you read #13, you’ll immediately know which one is me.

1. Stop picking away at your eyebrows. Your naturally big brows are beautiful (and gonna make a comeback).

2. STEP AWAY FROM THAT TANNING BED!

3. You don’t have any sense of style yet, so stop asking for crappy name-brand trash.

4. Your mom is always right.

5. So is your dad. He’s just a little more harsh about it because he’s logical, and you’re his baby girl.

6. Stop trying to impress boys. The ones that matter will evolve to your level one day and the ones that don’t just aren’t worth it.

7. Make more time for your own interests, not those of your friends or people pretending to be friends.

8. Blue and white sparkly eyeshadow… just stop.

9. Glitter belts, Tims, and velour are also just not things. No.

10. Don’t drink so much. It’s dumb, and your favorite memories will come from sober or tipsy moments, not trashed ones.

11. You have no responsibilities, nor have you had to work hard at all thanks to natural talent, so stop complaining. The hardest has yet to come.

12. You’re not fat, so SHUT UP ALREADY!

13. That being said, there is literally no reason your li’l teen pudge should be sticking out of EVERY SHIRT YOU WEAR. STAHP!!!

14. That girl and that boy and that girl and that boy are all going to backstab you in the most horrific way. It’ll hurt to your core, but years later, you will be far more educated and well-off because of them.

15. You are never going to feel this rested again, so drink. it. in.

16. Snuggle your disproportionately large boobs all day, every day. They’re going away in like 8 years, and you’re going to miss them like hell.

17. You are a jackass…….. well, at least you were from around 14-15. Wait. Nevermind. I forgot that you stopped giving in to peer pressure pretty early, which is actually pretty cool. Go on, girlfriend. (Just know that years from now you’ll always regret that year of being the worst.)

18. Hang out with your family more, dude! Only like 9 of those friends of yours are going to actually make an effort to be loyal and stay in your life.

19. Remember all that drama you were in? Don’t worry about it ’cause you were 100% justified, stood up for what you believed in, and the folks who were involved have yet to evolve from the same behavior.

20. Stop worrying. Your life, while very sad and challenging at times, is going to be better than you ever imagined with potential to keep growing. It will be full of healthy relationships, success, and puppies. Lots and lots of puppies.

How-To: 4th of July

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How we spend Fourth of July in America:

1. Getting wasted on shitty beer.

2. Eating horrible food (preferably as fatty as possible).

3. Shooting off questionably beautiful fireworks.

4. General troublesome shenanigans.

5. If you’re in the South, things like buttered watermelon contests exist on this day, too.

6. Maybe carnivals? Maybe parades? Maybe country clubs? Maybe beach retreats? IT ALL DEPENDS!

7. Scream “‘MURICA!” and other patriotic fake words all day.

8. Watch Independence Day.

How to ACTUALLY spend Fourth of July in America:

1. Wake up early and spend some time by a body of water.

2. Wait to drink until at least noon, and maybe up the ante, even if the ante is just PBR to Fat Tire and Oscar Mayer to locally raised.

3. Enjoy the loveliness of sparklers and let the professionals do the fireworks shows.

4. Celebrate our independence with people we love without, like, knocking over mailboxes ‘n’ shit.

5. Okay, buttered watermelon contests are actually kind of fun.

6. So are carnivals, parades, country clubs, and beach parties. I GUESS SOME OF OUR TRADITIONS ARE ACTUALLY MAGICAL AND TIMELESS, OKAY?!

7. Damn, now I’m regretting everything. Spend 4th of July however you please. IT’S ABOUT FREEDOM, BABY! ‘MURICA!!!

8. Watch Independence Day.

www. Wednesday

This particular www. Wednesday is full of clickbait, but I don’t care! It’s THE CREAM OF THE CROP of clickbait. Read it, breathe it, live it.

+ I thank my lucky stars that the men I had in my life growing up were feminists, but the world could use more of them. If you’re interested in making the world a more feminist place, check out this list from xoJane of 35 practical steps men can take to support feminism.

+ www. Wednesday would simply not be the same without at least ONE Game of Thrones-related link: 19 words that have a totally different meaning on GoT.

+ As an English teacher (and general lover of the written word), I can’t resist a good list o’ things you probably never knew about the English language. Promise I’m not trying to bamboozle ya!

+ Bees are literally the coolest (and cutest) creatures on the planet, yet we treat them like crap. They also, you know, KEEP US ALIVE! Here’s a really cool way to give back to them by creating your very own bee hydrator.

+ If you want to see the amazing side of Pakistan we never get to see thanks to skewed media coverage, please check out this beautiful list of photographs that finally illustrate there is more to their culture than war.

+ If you are antisocial (cough… ME! …cough) than you will identify with and adore this list of 30 things only AS people understand.

+ Check out my friend Liz’s #BeFearless project if you haven’t already. She explains everything on this page dedicated to it on her blog, not to mention you can find MY story there AND submit your very own, even if you don’t have a blog!

Now stare at this puppy’s sweet face and have an amazing Wednesday. I know I will, even if I’m sick, because it means I get to read like it’s my job!

New Features Are Coming!

Hey there, lovelies! Thanks for always coming back to read whatever my heart tells me to spill out on this website, even when what it tells me is something really damn strange. That’s why y’all are the best readers ever!!

I’ve got some new features coming out soon, so the prep time it will take to create them means you might feel like I’ve abandoned you, but I can assure you that I’m right here!

Coming soon:
How-To’s
Best of…
OOTT (acronym to later be explained 😉 )
Interviews
Favorites
Book lists and reviews
+ more!

The old features like the Gonnas and www. Wednesday will still be here, but they need some pals to party with, so prepare yourselves for new content on the lifestyle blog of Reyonce!

Love you like xo. Like enough to show you this picture.

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What I Do When I’m Alone

* Make up random songs about what I’m doing.

* Narrate my actions in a Sam Elliott voice.

* Have full conversations with my dog.

* Let my laundry pile up for days weeks.

* Clean 90% of the time. Like you would probably be worried for my health if you saw my ratio of cleaning to other life activities.

* Watch Netflix like it’s my second job.

* Walk around in no and/or hobo clothes.

* Eat really weird meals that probably don’t actually count as meals, like a handful of popcorn, some dark chocolate blueberries, and a hunk of sourdough with cheese.

* Start 50 projects and businesses then remember OMG, I HAVE STUFF TO DO!!!!

* Cry a lot about really weird stuff, like dropping things on the floor and comedy romances.

* Sing at the top of my lungs for 2 seconds and love my inner-Beyonce until I remember I have neighbors and immediately revert to my quiet-as-a-mouse humming.

* Take selfies.

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* Eat in my bed BECAUSE WHY WOULDN’T YOU?!

* Rearrange things all. The. Time.

* Turn the AC (or heat) off and on every two seconds because my body doesn’t know what it wants.

* Random dance moves while walking from room to room.

* Let my dog sleep in my bed………… white sheets and all.

* Contemplate the finality of death until I have an existential crisis and ensuing panic attack.

* Write.

* Snapchat random and grotesque faces to my friends.

* Talk to maaayyybbeee two people on the phone, max.

* Go for really long walk ‘n’ talks with my pup. (They’re never as cool as the ones on The West Wing.)

* Skype my sister for nothing less than five hours, even if we’re just cooking in silence at the same time.

* Inspect every flaw of my body and come up with an intricate way to solve it NOW!

* Vine idiotic videos, then later delete them when I realize they aren’t funny at all.

* Create unique, delicious dishes I can inevitably never recreate around other humans.

* Laugh at everything so often and weirdly that I scare myself when I realize how shrill I sound.

* Grade papers, and papers, and papers, AND MORE PAPERS!

* Have one person fashion shows before deciding I hate all my clothes.

* Drink, like, 78 sodas.

* Read.

* Utilize my TV, laptop, phone, and camera all at the same time. #megadesk

* Pass out at odd times such as 6 p.m. before waking up at around 9 or 10, realize I still have to do chores, but decide to write a random blog instead.

Style: Spring Stripes

I promised fashion entries back when I first set up this new phase of my blog, but so far, I’ve been hiding out in layers of clothes that resemble the trash lady in The Labyrinth. If you’re not well-versed in David Bowie’s film canon, she looks a li’l something like this:

Sorry for any proceeding nightmares.

Goblin weather be gone; now that things are green and the weather is finally brushing against that PERFECT NUMBER (70), I am capable of dressing myself in human garments once again. (For the record, what I’m wearing and where I got it from are listed, now and forever, at the bottom of each fashion post!)

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I felt like mixing my favorite (thrifted) striped shirt with GREEN shorties (cropped pants to the rest of the world), then throw in my new bag. Don’t worry… a what’s in Reyonce’s bag post is ever-so-imminent.

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The pup had to join because we’re joined at the hip. We promise to drag some poor, unsuspecting soul into our next post to take QUAL-I-TEE fashion photos.

top {thrifted} // cropped pant {target} // satchel {target} // *new* camera strap {Etsy — iMoShop}

www. Wednesday

Has it really already been a week? I’ve been sucked in what feels like a speedy tornado, borne solely of the students’ papers I have been rushing to grade. Now here I am, basking in the fact that I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything. Pure bliss……….. even if only to return to the grindstone again tomorrow morning. Take a breather with me and these li’l ol’ links, eh?

+ I’m always trying to find new, cool, natural solutions to looking (okay, and actually BEING) healthy. These make-up tips are right on point for faking it ’til you make it or something.

+ Leave it to NPR to win Best. April. Fools. Prank. EVER!

+ ROBIN WRIGHT AND SEAN PENN MADE THE PRETTIEST HUMAN SPECIMEN I HAVE EVER SEEN.

+ Remember to spring clean yo’ technology. It’ll cleanse your chakras (or so I’ve heard). P.S. I don’t actually know what a “chakras” is.

+ How colorful and cool are these photos of flower petals being released in Costa Rica?

+ A friend of mine posted this Banana Fosters overnight oats recipe from SuperGlueMom and OHHHHHMMYYYYGGOOOOODDDD are they divine. Sub chia seeds for flax if ya want. Mmm mmm, bitch.

+ This be-in-the-moment versus capturing-it-instead debate has caught me up many times. Helena la Petite finally wrapped it up for all of us, I think…

+ These portraits of same-sex couples by Braden Summers are the most beautiful works of art I’ve seen in so, so long. Love is love x0

www. Wednesday

First and foremost, glad to be back! It’s been a whirlwind of a time, with moving on top of my already-full plate: work/school/studying for two GIANT comp tests. Somehow I’m still awake, but we’ll see how that turns out come Sunday evening when I’m buried under a pile of papers to grade.

Now for the exciting news! You might have noticed, especially if you have the old blog page bookmarked, that now you come DIRECTLY to this page through the magic of coding. Make sure you get the new one if you follow using something like Bloglovin, lest you miss these super compelling blog posts.

Now onward to the second edition of www. Wednesday:

+ If you haven’t seen the glory of this episode of Between Two Ferns featuring POTUS, you’re going to need to head over for laughs galore ASAP.

+ On the prowl for easy DIYs for the new place, I came across this clean and do-able shelving idea from Scandi. I’ll have to update with photos of the masterpiece (or master mess) when I finish.

+ Case of the Mondays (even though it’s Wednesday)? Read this inspiring little blog entry.

+ As someone who has been dealing with depression and is still working on overcoming it, I give you the only accurate article to come from Cosmopolitan in decades: 10 Things NOT to Say to Someone With Depression.

+ An important how-to guide to building the perfect wardrobe aka YOU NEED TO READ THIS!

+ And if you, too, are currently rocking yourself back and forth in your oversized chair, trying to quell the beast of your sugar addiction, just give up already and eat this deliciously easy Cheesecake in a Mug because mid-week pick-me-up, right?!

Happy 300th-blog-post Wednesday!